#she has a tumblr but she saus she's not planning on being very active on it

[witching-by-the-willow]

SO

my irl best friend asked me to give her any fictional character to draw for practice, and I immediately thought of my queen and goddess, Manon Blackbeak.

And she sent me the work in progress, and I'm??? Amazed???

She's on Twitter: @raidenning

Go give her some love, she loves attention, and also does commisions. 💕

[twelfth-dykector]

HI TUMBLR. okay basically i probably dont have bpd but i am considering the possibility that i might and instead of investigating by doing more research i am going to ask the tumblr userbase to diagnose me. which is a completely #Flawless idea. heres an my case :

TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE‼️‼️‼️‼️

(oh and also. im not gonna self-diagnose myself wirh bpd because of this poll. i know a large majority of yous will know very little about bpd im just doing this for the funsies)

oh and also the only research i have done is the nhs website. which i know is Bad but whatever

Y'SEE I PROBABLY DONT HAVE BPD. AND IF I DO ITS VERY MILD. ITS PROBABLY JUST A SEVERE ANXIETY DISORDER. butttttt.

the four main symtoms (from the nhs website) and how they relate to me. BECAUSE YOU CARE!!!!!

emotional instability → OH THIS ONE IS STRONGGGGG. i do often experience intense negative emotions yeah!!!!! but im guessing everyone does so i dunno. AND it saus 'It's common for people with BPD to feel suicidal with despair, and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later' WHICH IS THE MOST MECORE THING OF ALL TIME. the mother has remarked that this is a Thing for Years

Disturbed patterns of thinking → three main types; upsetting thoughts (THIS ONE IS CONSTANT. I AM BEING SO FR IT NEVER ENDS I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE THIS FOREVER EVERY MINUITE OF EVERY DAY PRETTY MUCH FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE :3) + brief episodes of strange experiences (this one is not so common, i dont 'hear voices outside my head' as such but there is Always the evil bastard voice thats constantly telling me that im Evil and Horrible ajd no one likes me. which, again. i presume is normal. and i talk to myself (and other ppl in my head) Constantly but i think thats normal. hopefully.) + prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences (i dont have hallucinations but i do have 'distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out', but i figured that was just ocd. who knows? not me!

impulsive behaviour → self harm (had Issues with this from ages (around) ages 8-14 but im genuinely Good now and have been clean for over two years. i very nearly killed myself during this time aswell. + 'a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities' and i just am planning on avoiding everything included in this (drinking, drugs etc) because i thinj that i very easily Could become addicted/dependant on them and i often Do want to do all the things the website lists but i dont. because im cool ^•^

unstable relationships → hm. i dunno what to think about this one. because i generallt dont let myself care about ppl enough/get close enough with ppl for this to be an issue because i Know my brain will fuck it up and i will get Scared and stop liking them/become convicned that they dislike me and distance myself from them as a result. OH BUT I DID ONCE. and. well. ohmygid. just realised that this is textbook unstable bpd relationship. okay long story short: be eleven year old me (who has never had proper friends who understand her(?) due to autism etc → find another autistic (who was deeply messed up) → becomes friends with her → becomes So obbsessed with her (i had previously defined it as being platonically in love with her but now...... who knows) → would literally Not leave her alone, walk/follow(?) her home (i did not realise this was Bad because she agreed with it and appeared to enjoy it but apparently she didnt like it as she told me when we stopped being friends), would text her alot, would maybe follow her around during school time idk???? this was many years ago i dont fully rememembr) → said mean things afew times (by accident, didnt realise they were mean) that i hate myself for every day but after discussing it with a friend they laughed because apprently what i said wasnt mean at all. remember. i was eleven. this was manu years ago and i have a bad memory) → because of the things said, she stops being my friend and tells me (among other things) that im the cause of all of her problems (important context here: she was from a muslim family and i was her bisexual awakening. and part of the wau throigh our friendship she stopped being muslim) -> have now not seen her in manyyy years but i still cry at the mention of her and think about her multiple times a day

and other things that may be relevant :

i have reallyyyyy severve rsd. like. i can barely make friends because im So scared all the time and for a large time i could barely leave the flat because of it. and theres probably more that i forgor

im happy

i have autism, adhd, anxiety anr i did have ocd but its quite mild now

has had Really bad intrusive thoughts since a very young age, eg i remember very young me writhing around on the floor crying because i couldnt get graphic thoughts of the ppl i love being tortured out of my head

so, vote!!!!!

i'd really appreciate it if ppl reblogged for reach but no pressure :)